CNTM Episode 3: Bride of Jay Mail

This week, the girls smash fruit on their faces and go to the Bahamas. And they scream. A lot.

And so it begins: The girls open a box with black bathing suits and start to scream. Really? Over black bathing suits? The crew arrives at the hotel pool where Mike and Yasmin are beaching it.

Today’s practice challenge: Look pretty while getting pummeled with water. Nikita gets raccoon eyes, Rebeccah loses a contact and Meaghan is like a statue.

Hot for teacher: Mike takes his shirt off and gets into the pool, so you know there was shrieking. (Okay, he did gyrate.)

Miss congeniality: “My picture is like a kick in the face to them,” Nikita says when her photo is up in the penthouse.

Huh? “Free your mind and your lips will follow,” says video Jay.

At least she’s stopped complaining about her hair: Much bellyaching ensues over the 5 a.m. call time, especially from Nikita who cries: “My body just doesn’t function on less than 8 hours sleep.” And “Kill me right now.” And “Fuck my life.”

You did not just do that: Hair and makeup arrives and Nikita goes back to bed, which is super snotty. The girls bitch but I bet they just wish they’d thought of it.

Okay, so that’s what video Jay was talking about: The models have to smash berries their lips in a faux campaign shot for CoverGirl Outlast Lipstain. That “women have struggled though time” to mash berries for their lips is a tad dramatic.

Cutest misunderstanding of the concept: Rebeccah puts her berry hands all over her face.

Most grating: Ebonie. “All the girls went crazy on it; I was more subtle,” she says and proceeds to put the raspberries on her fingers.

The winner: Linsay (The prize, 50 extra frames at the next challenge.)

Which she’ll need because: Strings, pause, “You’re going to The Bahamas!”

Cue: Screaming, hugging, swearing (Nikita only)

Ruh-roh!: Maryam doesn’t have a passport so she can’t go on the trip. Sadness! Linsay has no sympathy because they were told to get that sorted. (She’s no bullshit, that one.)

Hold the phone: Is that a painting of Jay?!?           

Blind item: The girls arrive at their ocean front room and are so excited they ignore the Jay Mail. Guess who said this: “You guys. Can we read Jay Mail please. Fuck.”

Best impression of Nikita: From Ebonie,“Here we go, she’s going to complain about the Bahamas, the food, the this, the that and she’s tired and blah, blah.”

Oh right: We get a brief flash of Maryam in the pigsty of a model apartment.

Most unnecessary screaming: The girls shriek some more as the boat pulls out of port to take them to an island for the shoot.

Most confusing shoot concept: Castaway brides who’ve been left at the altar. Exactly which magazine is this for? Jilted Monthly?

A quick run-down: Ebonie does some Method acting and imagines her boyfriend leaving her. Nolé says she’s “really feeling it.” Tara tears at her gown looking pained. Rebecca gets tossed around in the surf. Heather worries she didn’t emote. Nikita cries over a tiny cut until someone notices her.

Most inflated ego: Meahgan breaks down to Ebonie, who says to the camera, “Oh my god, I can beat you. I totally nailed the shot and you sucked.”

Best saying what we’re all thinking: “Heather. I mean, Meaghan,” says Nolé

Meanwhile, back at the ranch: Maryam gets a chance to do her own shoot in a studio.

Anvil: Ebonie’s ego about having the best shot and Maryam’s seemingly inexcusable bungle means that the exact opposite will go down.

An aside: Yasmin looks amazing at judging.

Best comeuppance: The judges on Ebonie’s shot: “That distant glare that serial killers get after they slaughter somebody.” “It looks grotesque.” An the ultimate Top Model sin, no neck.

Worst repeat of a previously pointed out mistake: Linsay isn’t looking at the camera.

Who was this directed at?: Nobody likes a model complaining,” says Yasmin. “Suck it up and do the job.”

Best movie references: Ebonie looks like “Edith Piaf in an Alfred Hitchcock movie,” while Tara resembles the “Bride of Chucky.”

Winner: Heather

Other kind of winner: Meaghan is getting some invisible braces.

Ciao: Ebonie

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