Episode 16: A night at the opera

Hillside Villas. “Morning!” Audrina chirps as she enters the kitchen. Lauren, clearly not a morning person, responds with a grunt. “I have to tell you something!” Audrina says excitedly. “Tell me,” Lauren mutters, but she perks up when she hears Audrina’s news: Spencer’s heretofore-unseen sister Stephanie told Audrina off at a club last night. “I’ve met that girl before… she’s a loony,” Lauren says. Lauren fears the “She-Pratt” more than she does Spencer: “At the end of the day, a guy can’t hit a girl. A girl can hit a girl.”

Heidi and Spencer’s. The She-Pratt enters, watches Spencer and Heidi argue about paying the electric bill, and proclaims that she has “never seen two people so in love.” Clearly she has high relationship standards. She’s also a romantic; she agrees with Spencer that church weddings are boring and wants to get married in Croatia herself. Finally, she’s a woman of faith: “Oh my God! Roxy and I went online to become ministers!” she exclaims. “I could marry you! Please let me do it.” Spencer looks happier than he’s been all season, now that somebody’s not only agreeing with his wedding ideas, but actually one-upping them. “I don’t want… I don’t want that,” Heidi stammers nervously, trying to escape the gaze of two pairs of unblinking crazy eyes.

Opera Nightclub. Lauren, Brody and friends are happily enjoying drinks when who should approach their table but Stephanie Pratt and her friend Roxy. “Brody! What are you doing here?” Steph exclaims. “You’re on the evil side.” Roxy feels the need to throw in her two cents: “Stop messing with Heidi,” she tells Lauren. “Stop being mean girls.” Ms. Conrad, to her credit, stays calm. “You don’t know me,” she says. “I don’t get along with Heidi; that’s kind of our business.” Steph can’t be deterred that easily. “Heidi’s my family now. They’re getting married. When you hate my brother, it makes me hate you,” she proclaims, evoking memories of Spencer’s eloquent “rolling around with my enemy” speech. Brody’s not putting up with that twice. “Heidi’s business and her business is their business. Stop getting involved. Just stop,” he orders.

As if this wasn’t enough drama for one outing, Justin (wearing a hood that doesn’t seem to be attached to an actual garment), who has basically been ignoring Audrina all evening, takes this opportunity to (maybe; the camera’s view is obscured) kiss a black-lipstick-wearing redhead at the bar. Audrina’s had enough. She confronts Justin in the parking lot and tells him that they’re done. He says probably the sweetest thing we’ve ever heard him say: “Honey, you’re in my heart and I care about you so much more than you’ll ever know.” He undermines this proclamation, however, when he implies that he doesn’t believe it’s possible for her to cut him off (admittedly, she has made the same baseless threat multiple times), then gives her an ultimatum: either she gets in the car with him, or he walks away for good. Audrina gets in the car.

Heidi and Spencer’s. Steph is visiting again, and she excitedly relays the previous night’s events… sort of. “I was like, ‘Look, I’m Heidi’s best friend,’ and Brody’s like, ‘Oh, please,’“ she says. Spencer laughs, and he and Steph tear into Lauren and Brody with glee as a silent Heidi looks increasingly more uncomfortable. Finally, “I’m so sick of talking about these people, so let’s change the subject,” Heidi interrupts, on the verge of tears. “Let’s get Heidi some earmuffs,” Spencer suggests, and Steph cackles maniacally.

Epic. Audrina tells Chiara all about the previous nights events, and says that – surprise! – she dropped Justin at home and told him it was really over. “You can only take so much… abuse, to a certain extent,” Chiara says. “You respect yourself more than that.” Good on Chiara for calling it like it is! Audrina says she has to see Justin one last time and end it for good. “You have to hold strong to that, though,” Chiara says. “Don’t give in.”

Villas. Justin, possibly in a last-ditch effort to sway Audrina, has cleaned up… more than usual, anyway. He’s pulled his hair back into a ponytail and is mercilessly free of army gear and unfortunate headwear. He’s still the same old Justin, though – he maintains that he didn’t kiss the redhead, telling Audrina that she must have been hallucinating and that the friends who witnessed the kiss are lying. “It’s hopeless,” Audrina says. “It should just be over, and we should just be friends.” No! Don’t say the F-word! This only works if you cut off all contact! Justin knows this, and he simply half-smirks, hugs her and exits. Audrina cries. Isn’t it nice that we can always rely on this show to end on an uplifting note?

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