Even George Clooney didn’t see it coming. He was best pals with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, yet the end of Brangelina surprised him. As Clooney and the world mourned the demise of Hollywood’s most active humanitarians and prolific parents, we became worried for ourselves: If these two couldn’t make it work, what chance did the rest of us have? Some relationships (like Drake and Rihanna’s) seem destined to end badly—exploding as quickly as they ignite. But for most of us (and Brad and Angie), love melts away slowly, over time. Like a Walmart ice-cream sandwich on hot concrete.
When love falls apart, the straw that breaks the camel’s back can often seem trivial, even petty. Was it truly the affair rumours, drug use and/or anger-management issues that unravelled the Jolie-Pitts? Or was it that Brad never put his dirty underwear in the hamper? The possibility that it’s the small things, not the epic battles, that undermine a relationship is not only fascinating but, according to the results of FASHION’s online survey, entirely possible. The survey, which attracted close to 400 participants, revealed that when it comes to sources of negativity and friction in a relationship, the biggest culprit isn’t sex (13 per cent) or even money (9 per cent); it is “minor annoyances,” a.k.a. the little things* (28 per cent).
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The survey also discovered that if there were a pill that could eliminate conflict from a relationship, 26 per cent of respondents would consider taking it.
Dr. Peter Smyth, director of The Counselling Institute in Woodbridge, Ont., winces at the thought. “There’s an old Irish saying: If two people agree on everything, then one of them isn’t necessary. In the long run, couples who argue actually tend to do better,” he says.
According to Smyth, many couples find conflict so off-putting because it comes from a place most people don’t understand. “Arguing and bickering are part of the transition from the early stages of love, when two people agree on everything, to the longer term, when they realize they’re two separate individuals who don’t see the world in the same way,” he explains.
There’s an old Irish saying: If two people agree on everything, then one of them isn’t necessary. In the long run, couples who argue actually tend to do better.
Arguing over small things can be a way to cut through the tension and insecurity that this realization can create. Fighting because he watched Game of Thrones without you (versus because you went clubbing without him) is a way to assert control over a changing dynamic without upsetting the apple cart too much. Seen in this light, conflict can be viewed as positive—as an attempt to re-engage your partner. The danger of frequent micro-fights is that they can create a communication style where power, not connection, is the endgame.
Picture this simulation: Angie finds Brad’s shirt on the ground after his late night out with Clooney. Brad shrugs and says he hung it up, but it must have fallen. She demands he put it away. He refuses. Angie shreds the shirt to pieces with her butterfly knife.
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“When each person feels the other is indifferent to their needs, it can lead to a lack of self-awareness and the knee-jerk reactions that are more about releasing tension than seeking resolution,” says Smyth. In our bid to be loved, we behave in the most unlovable ways. It invites the question: Is there a cure for bickering?
The danger of frequent micro-fights is they can create a communication style where power, not connection, is the endgame.
After years of watching couple friends and strangers argue over the correct way to load a dishwasher, how much cleavage is too much and whether to keep a rusty old lawnmower to build a go-cart for an unborn child, I’ve got a few ideas. What if, long before the point of no return, disgruntled couples agreed to entertain the following possibility: The thing that we are arguing about isn’t actually what we are angry about.
Is the spat about who was supposed to drag in the garbage bin or empty the dishwasher really about how lazy your husband is? Or is it because he’s busy prepping for a business trip to NYC while your MBA diploma gathers dust behind the Diaper Genie? Put another way: No matter what two people are arguing about on the surface, perhaps the real issue is each person’s conviction that she (or he) is the one getting the short end of the stick.
I ran my theory by Smyth, who agreed there might be something to it. “Little things become big things, and unspoken matters are upsets waiting to happen,” he says. “Any technique that separates the problem from the person helps keep the empathy level high and reduces the buildup of hidden resentments that can turn loving partners into fault-finding machines.”
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A final thought: Next time you and your honey find yourselves squabbling, why not settle into Robert Eggers’ 2015 horror film, The Witch. Ostensibly, this film is about a Puritan family that is plagued by forces of evil on their New England farm. Supernatural plotline aside, here is a husband and wife who embrace the short end of the stick with equal relish. He works the crappy, non-arable land, shouldering the constant worry that his family might starve to death. She, having survived childbirth five times, handles the domestic drudgery that is her lot: laundering the family’s only change of clothing in a barrel, cooking the family potato-themed dinners and tending to the increasingly demonic children and livestock.
As the family is torn asunder by unseen foes, the husband and wife don’t turn on each other. They don’t criticize or second-guess each other’s parenting styles or the decisions that brought them to this place. Instead, they focus on trying to make the life they’ve chosen work. Maybe the end isn’t pretty. But there is something to be said for the fight.
*The remaining percentage points were made up of stresses caused by other people (22%), day-to-day responsibilities (12%) and N/A (17%).
Here are some big celebrity breakups from the past year.
Celebrity breakups: Meek Mill and Nicki Minaj
Nicki Minaj and Meek Mill have ended their relationship, according to a tweet by Minaj. “To confirm, yes I am single. Focusing on my work & looking forward to sharing it with you guys really soon.”
Celebrity breakups: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt
According to TMZ, Jolie filed for divorce September 19. The pair were together since 2004 and got married in 2014. The split is reportedly due to differences in opinion on parenting.
Celebrity breakups: Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber
Although they were never married, Watts and Schreiber were together for 11 years and have two sons. News of this breakup makes us sad, especially since the pair came to Toronto for TIFF just a few weeks ago. Check out their statement here.
Celebrity breakups: Johnny Depp and Amber Heard
After 15 months of marriage, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard found themselves in a whirlwind divorce this summer. The pair met on set in 2009 for The Rum Diaries, and began dating in 2012. The actors married in February 2015, and in May 2016 Heard claimed in court documents that Depp hurled a cellphone at her face during an argument. Of course, Depp’s loved ones came to his defence, but by the end of May the divorce had been finalized. Heard received a 7-million dollar settlement from Depp, which she then donated to charity.
Celebrity breakups: Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart
The 47-year-old singer dumped her 29-year-old boyfriend (the two began dating in 2011) because he chose to watch a UFC match in Vegas over accompanying her to a charity event in the Hamptons. This isn’t the first time Lopez and Smart have called it quits—the couple broke up in 2014, and reconciled a year later.
Celebrity breakups: Lady Gaga and Taylor Kinney
Lady Gaga and Taylor Kinney were together for five years before calling off their engagement in July. Gaga posted a photo on Instagram in which she wrote that the two have always believed they were soul mates, and are simply taking a break. She ended the post by asking everyone for their support and love. Cue the collective “awwww”s.
Celebrity breakups: Demi Lovato and Wilmer Valderrama
Lovato and Valderrama’s relationship made headlines six years ago, primarily because of their age difference. This June the pair decided to part ways.
Celebrity breakups: Zac Efron and Sami Miro
This twosome ended their romance of two years for reasons unknown. The Neighbors and High School Musical star promptly deleted all evidence of their relationship from his Instagram, and even unfollowed Miro on social media. Yikes!
Celebrity breakups: Diane Kruger and Joshua Jackson
Kruger and Jackson (oh, hey Pacey) ended their 10-year-romance in July. The two reportedly stated that they wanted to remain friends, and were spotted together out-and-about earlier this month. Fingers crossed they’ll get back together.
Celebrity breakups: Dakota Johnson and Matthew Hitt
Actress Dakota Johnson and Matthew Hitt (of indie-rock band Drowners) called it quits in June; however, this isn’t the first time they’ve split up. The pair broke up in 2015, but got back together.
Celebrity breakups: Khloé Kardashian and James Harden
Khloé and Houston Rockets’ James Harden put an end to their romance in February. The reason behind the split was never confirmed by either one of the parties; however, Khloé did take to her website to discuss the woes of breaking up while in the spotlight.
Celebrity breakups: Lea Michele and Robert Buckley
Actors Lea Michele and Robert Buckley began dating while filming for the upcoming sci-fi series Dimension 404. The couple split in July, after three short months together.
Celebrity breakups: Adriana Lima and Joe Thomas
The famous Victoria’s Secret Angel and Thomas ended their fling (they were spotted in Cannes back in May) earlier this month.
Celebrity breakups: James McAvoy and Anne-Marie Duff
James McAvoy and Anne-Marie Duff, who met each other on set while filming for the TV show Shameless filed for divorced after being married for 10 years. They released a statement ensuring they still had love for one another, while asking for privacy during this time.
Celebrity breakups: Drew Barrymore and Will Kopelman
After nearly four years of marriage, Barrymore and Kopelman ended their relationship in April. Barrymore brought up the separation during a segment of Chelsea Handler’s Netflix talk show, admitting that it brought on feelings of failure.
Celebrity breakups: Ellie Goulding and Dougie Poynter
These famous Brits began dating two years ago, and captured the hearts of their respective fan-bases (Poynter is of the popular British band McFly). After countless adorable IG posts, Goulding and Poynter called it quits in February due to their hectic schedules.
Celebrity breakups: Kat Von D and Steve-O
In December 2015, tattoo artist Kat Von D and Steve-O (of Jackass fame) publicly confirmed their relationship after posting pics of themselves kissing on Instagram. By March 2016, the couple split and, of course, took down all of their photos from their IG accounts.
Celebrity breakups: Nina Dobrev and Austin Stowell
Toronto-raised actress Nina Dobrev and fellow actor Austin Stowell (who played roles in Bridge of Spies and Whiplash) ended their 7-month relationship earlier this year. The reason as to why they broke up has yet to be addressed.
Celebrity breakups: Kristen Dunst and Garrett Hedlund
Dunst and Hedlund called it quits in April after more than four years of dating; The pair met each other during filming for 2011’s On The Road. There were rumours of an engagement between the two, but their recent split has put those to rest.
Celebrity breakups: Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris
After 15 months, and numerous lovey-dovey pics, Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris broke up earlier this summer, merely a week after Harris was involved in a car accident. What appeared to be a smooth breakup took a turn for the worst when both parties deleted all evidence their romance from their IG accounts. And then there was Hiddleswift, which we don’t even want to get into.
Celebrity breakups: Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston
After three months of cringe-inducing Instagrams and public displays of affection, the infamous couple decided to part ways.
Celebrity breakups: Bella Hadid and Abel “The Weeknd” Tesfaye
Nicki Minaj and Meek Mill
Nicki Minaj and Meek Mill have ended their relationship, according to a tweet by Minaj. “To confirm, yes I am single. Focusing on my work & looking forward to sharing it with you guys really soon.”
The post Here’s the Key to a Long-Lasting Relationship appeared first on FASHION Magazine.