Learn how to embrace sex toys, dirty talk and porn and not feel awkward
For most of us, the notion of “spicing up our sex lives” can be intimidating. It’s not that we don’t want more bang for our buck, so to speak, but the stereotypes that come along with branching out in bed often have us dreaming up images that are way out of our comfort zones. (Think: pleather getups, furry handcuffs and threesomes). Um, I’ll pass, thanks. But, the truth is, turning up the heat doesn’t have to read like a hardcore ’80s porn (not that there’s anything wrong with that). In fact, stepping things up sexually can be downright empowering—just ask the Canadian queen of female sexuality Cynthia Loyst. Not only is she the truth-talking feminist voice on CTV’s daytime show The Social, but she’s also the former supervising producer of Sex TV (#RIP) and a relationship expert. Need I say more?
Loyst agrees that many of us are stuck in a sexual Groundhog Day, especially those of us in committed relationships. “What’s fascinating, to me, is that we often feel most comfortable being sexually adventuresome when things are still in the casual, getting-to-know-you phase. And paradoxically, the longer we’ve been in a relationship—and the more intimately we know someone—the less courageous we are to try something we’ve never done before.”
Loyst not only has a pleasure chest full of ways to break away from our erotic ruts, but she breaks them down so they don’t feel intimidating or degrading. “Learning and expanding will not only make you a better and more skilled lover for your partner, but also help you better understand your desires. And there’s nothing that will build your confidence better than knowing what gets you off.” Read ahead to learn how to have your kink and confidence, too.
Toys
“Only 25 per cent of women are consistently orgasmic during vaginal intercourse. Just let that sink in for a minute,” laments Loyst. Interestingly, she also points out that a much larger percentage of us are reaching our O’s during our solo sessions—often when using accessories. But the idea of introducing an appliance into our relationships can be hella overwhelming. First, how do you even bring it up without making things totally awkward and un-sexy? “If you’re not sure how your man will respond to toys, you might want to ask him how he feels about them the next time you’re just having an intimate chat,” says Loyst. “Ideally this happens outside of the bedroom.” This conversation can go either way: He’ll seem open to it, or he’ll shut it down faster than you can say XXX. Either way, Loyst has ideas for how to keep the dream alive. “If he seems intrigued, ask him if he might want to pick one out together. You don’t even have to go to a store in person; there are lots of online options—I’m a big fan of Come As You Are.) And if he still doesn’t seem comfortable, you might want to remind him that not all sex toys look like big massive penises.” Good point! Uncomfortable stereotypes exist for men, too. Those of us who have stepped into a sex shop—or have seen every Sex and the City episode (who could forget “The Rabbit”)—know that there are far less intimidating options than a big, fat strap-on. Loyst explains: “There are ones that look like rubber duckies, pretty butterflies and, my personal favourite, mini-fans.”
Porn
Watching porn is another concept that can evoke some outdated and unpleasant clichés. I mean, personally I’m not into watching two strangers, who are also terrible actors, who don’t look like anyone I know or do anything I have any desire to do. Fortunately, Loyst assures us there are plenty of other erotica options. “There’s a porn out there for everyone—for some it’s going to be written erotica, for others it’s explicit graphic novels, super-sensual soft-core films or a hard-core golden-era film.” To figure out what revs your personal engine, she advises trying a few less time-consuming options, like reading a few sexy short stories or streaming some short clips online for free. If you’re into the visual stuff but don’t like it to feel like a performance, Loyst has got just the destination. “I would suggest you start with Cindy Gallop’s amazing and ethically produced site MakeLoveNotPorn, which features submissions from real couples who are having genuinely hot sex.”
Figuring out what gets you going is the easy part, now about broaching the subject with your partner…just thinking of starting this convo gives me the sweats (très sexy). Loyst offers some icebreakers: “Why not send a link to your lover with a hot message like, ‘This gets me so hot. Can you do this to me later on?’ Or you can sit down with your partner and play a game of ‘I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.’ It’s a very vulnerable thing to show your partner something like this, so if you’re worried about reacting negatively, pull a selection of clips that you find hot and ask him/her to choose.”
Dirty Talk
If the above suggestions aren’t lighting up your lady bits, don’t worry—you don’t have to bring in external accessories or entertainment to bring the heat. One of the hottest tools, according to Loyst, is our voice. “Dirty talk can be an incredibly erotic lubricant.” If the concept of whispering (or screaming) sexy nothings isn’t your bag, she encourages first getting vocal without using words at all. “Be a great moaner, groaner and punctuate great moves with audible enthusiastic grunts.” Easy enough. If that goes over well, take it a step further. “If you want to give dirty talk a go, my favourite suggestion comes from long-time sex advice columnist Dan Savage: Tell your partner what you want to do to them.” This is something like: I want to put my “X” in your “X” and “X” you all night.
Ahem. Happy Valentines Day, ladies.
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