SNP’s word of the day: Awkscars

Word: Awkscars

Meaning: The Oscars, now with 90 per cent more wtf-ness.

Usage: “More like the AWKSCARS. Everything is so f***ing awkward! I love it!” — a tweet by Aubrey Plaza, who awesomely goes by @evilhag.

You should know it because: Did you watch it? I thought of not watching it, but come on. I can’t not participate in this ritual mass sacrifice of human dignity and self-respect; it’s the price we share for living in the 21st-century first world. Plus, Twitter. Speaking of which, how clever is the sardonic babe-actor Aubrey Plaza? Pretty clever and pretty accurate. Maybe I’m getting smarter (doubtful), but this Oscars felt like the dumbest and funniest ever, and not the ha-ha funniest either. More like… full-body-cringe funniest.

When a red-carpet reporter asked Rooney Mara how she was recovering from her role as Lisbeth Salander, and she looked at him like he was a delivery man who brought her the wrong pizza, and said “It’s just a job?” AWKSCARS. (And true: for all its glories, acting is a job… unlike red-carpet reporting.) When Sacha Baron Cohen ash-bombed Ryan Seacrest so that now when he’s asked who he’s wearing, he can say “Kim Jong-Il“? AWKSCARS. When Tina Fey and her Bridesmaids cohorts had to pretend to be really excited for Billy Cryptstal (yes, I spelled that right; the mothereffer is OLD) to do a “jazzy” opening sequence? AWKSCARS. When Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer had to play “strong black female characters” all night and also look overjoyed whenever another black person was on stage? AWKSCARS. I mean, jesus, stop profiling; nobody cuts to the black widow spiders in the audience when Angelina Jolie comes on stage. Speaking of which, when Angelina Jolie’s right leg threatened to secede from the rest of her body and start its own career (see: @angiesrightleg)? SO AWKSCARS. When Gwyneth Paltrow tried to come off as relatable and self-deprecating? CRAZY AWKSCARS, and when 10 minutes later Emma Stone completely decimated every other far more seasoned actor in pure terms of humour and guts, it got still more AWKSCARS. It seemed there would be no end to the tiny humiliations. Then Christopher Plummer won, and then Meryl Streep won, and both gave such super human speeches that we all forgot how truly bad the ceremony was… until The Artist. Seriously? A Best Picture that isn’t even a film? AWKSCARS OUT.

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