The 14 best quotes from Amy Schumer’s new book, The Girl With the Lower Back Tattoo

It’s no secret that we’re kind of obsessed with Amy Schumer. We think she’s hilarious, relatable, and as it’s been said a million times before, totally refreshing.

So as you can imagine, we’re beyond excited about the release of her book, The Girl With the Lower Back Tattoo today. Here, we round up the 10 best quotes from the book, which you can buy here.

Things you don’t know about her:

“My sister tested my IQ when she was getting her master’s degree in school psychology and I tested as a genius in half the categories and nearly cognitively impaired in the other half.”

“I speak sign language. I’m not crazy fluent, but I can communicate pretty well. I’ve learned the hard way that not all deaf people want to talk to you just because you can sign.”

“I have been skydiving but I didn’t like it because you have to JUMP OUT OF A FUCKING AIRPLANE.”

“The thing I own the most of is wine, but please send more.”

“The two things I always decline, every single time they are offered to me, are cocaine and ham.”

Times it’s okay for a man to not make a woman come during sex:

“If she’s a hooker and the next guy is waiting, but even then, check with her.”

“If she gets a cramp or if she gets hungry.”

Things that make her insanely furious:

“People who run down mountains. Have you ever been hiking and had someone run past you downhill? I secretly root for them to tumble to their—as far as I’m concerned—timely death.”

“People named Jim. Because it sounds like the word ‘gym.'”

“People who misspell the word ‘you’re’ when telling me I’m fat (‘your fat’).”

“People who say ‘I eat to live. I don’t live to eat.’ I wish all ten plagues upon your house.”

“People who talk too loud in public. I have yelled at strangers. I will say ‘shhhhh’ and no one is exempt. I once shushed Vin Diesel.”

Things that make her happy:

“Hearing my sister on the phone with a delivery place after they bring the wrong food order or don’t include enough sauce. She starts out very calm and rational but then spins the fuck out after thirty seconds.”

“Laughing and yelling at my girlfriends from high school when they try to smoke pot in the bathroom of wherever I am performing, no matter how classy. They tried to smoke pot at both SNL and Carnegie Hall.”

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