La La Land might be taking home all the golden trophies, but rest assured that this year’s Oscars losers won’t be walking away empty handed. The infamous Oscars gift bag is back—and this year it’s bigger than ever.

The “everyone wins” goodie bag—which has no real association to the awards show and is put together by marketing company Distinctive Assets—honours all 25 actors and directors nominated for Oscars.

2017’s loot is worth an estimated $260,000 (!!!) and includes a three-night stay at the Lost Coast Ranch ($40,000), a head-to-toe laser treatment ($4,446) and a 14-karat solid gold bracelet ($375).

But wait—it’s not all lavish jewels and glamorous getaway vouchers. The highly anticipated gift list is no stranger to weirdness: In the past, items featured included pepper spray and booty pads. Here’s a roundup of six slightly suspect gifts in this year’s gift bag:

A Cellulite Massage Mat from Sweetcheeks

These rigid butt mats are said to increase circulation and temporarily reduce the appearance of cellulite. Apparently Ryan Gosling has been wanting one forever—kidding.

Dandi Patch Underarm Sweat Patches

These ultra-thin, super-absorbent sweat shields trap in odour and prevent pit stains. If Emma Stone is wearing a long-sleeve dress, we’ll know why.

A Personalized Box of Crayola Crayons

Pretty self-explanatory—but hey, what’s better than a box of colouring tools with your name on it? A little relaxing craft time might be exactly what director Mel Gibson needs!

A Case of Non-Browning Opal Apples

These 100-per-cent natural, non-GMO fruit creations somehow resist oxidization, meaning they’re less likely to brown after slicing. Perfect for Meryl Streep’s hand-packed lunches.

An Adhesive Sleep Aid from Rest Right

This patented device conditions you to reposition how you sleep at night. Looks super comfy!

Slimware Portion Control Plates

This innovative tableware “elegantly” shows the recommended portion sizes of different food groups. We’re sure Casey Affleck can’t wait to host a dinner party with these pretty plates.

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