The Grown-ass Woman’s Guide to Crying

The following is an excerpt from Monica Heisey’s new book, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better: A Woman’s Guide to Coping With Life ($20, Red Deer Press, amazon.ca).

You are an adult human and you are about to cry, like a baby, in public. It is because you have left your Metro Pass at home and someone made a rude comment to you on the subway after you clogged up the line sifting through your purse, or because when you got to work you spilled on your blouse, or because your ex- boyfriend uploaded a bunch of pictures of himself CARRYING a very thin blonde girl down a beach in THAILAND and now it is his display picture which just goes against everything you thought you knew about him as a person and also you’re hormonal right now and you just saw a dog. Or whatever. You are going to cry, and the reason is probably not even very good but you can’t help it. The tears are coming, like the Germans. Your cheeks are Paris, 1940 and the Nazi tears are about to stage a triumphant, evil march all over your face, taking your mascara with them. In front of people.

I don’t know about you, but I cry more or less all the time, and every year of my life past age twenty has involved more crying than the year before it, but also, more happiness. The thing is, I cry a lot out of joy nowadays, which is just so excruciatingly “Mom” that sometimes while crying at a Tim Horton’s commercial or the national anthem (cool), or the idea of growing old, I am like “get thee to a pregnancy clinic.” But it turns out that’s just my life now. I also cry from sadness, fear, love, once during sex and I don’t want to talk about it, hunger, fatigue, and duh, PMS. From my limited research on the topic—hanging outside bars late at night and watching female-led television dramas—this is a widespread phenomenon and people need to chill out about crying. So far this has not happened, so here’s how to handle it:

Theoretically, if you know what makes you weep you can avoid it when you’re in polite company. This would not work for me because the short answer is EVERYTHING, THIS LIFE IS INTENSE AND SHORT, LIKE TYRION LANNISTER. But as an idea to get you started, some of my worst cry triggers are the following: old people in love; the idea of anyone I know dying, ever; people passionately defending what they believe in; trying on a dress that should look great on my body but then totally betrays me in the fitting room and it’s like good God I thought I had shift dresses to fall back on at least; thinking about the amount of work my mom and dad put into raising me; any amount of pain at all almost; sad music; most movies; some commercials; a bridge, once.

Have No Shame

Just get your cry out and move on. I don’t think you should have to hide in the bathroom or feel embarrassed to have a little cry now and then. If you’re gonna full-sob or whatever, maybe take that to a stairwell (Voted #1 secret weep destination by Crying Women’s Daily 2013). But whatever, man, you had some feelings – there are more important things to be embarrassed about, like getting your period in front of your crush while wearing white jeans. (Teens, if you are reading this, stop wearing white jeans until your cycle is very regular/maybe just stop wearing them altogether, you can do better.)

The First Five Minutes of the Movie UP

“Why wait until the end of the movie to get people openly sobbing into their sleeves? Why not just stab them in the hearts with a razor-sharp Truth Knife in the first five minutes and let them bleed out slowly throughout the course of the film until the whole cinema is just a series of sadness puddles on empty seats? Anyway, let’s market it to kids ages five and up! Hahaha, UP, get it? We have fun.” – Pixar.

If you ever need to cry for some reason, watch this film. But then write off the rest of your day.

If You Need To, UNLEASH

As the High Priestess Tina Fey, fount of all wisdom and pith, puts it: “Some people say, ‘Never let them see you cry.’ I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.” Confirmed, Tina. Confirmed. Sometimes, as we’ve said, you are going to cry for no reason. Those are not the times to unleash your tears because everyone will be like, “Okay, sorry Subway was out of cheese but please get back to work?” However, if someone is being a complete asshole or you are legitimately very hurt by something someone has done, letting that salty truth water (?) flow freely is a quick and effective way to get that message across.

Ladies: Be Cool

If another lady is crying, at her desk, or in a bar or the corner of a party or while watching a movie, do not give her a hard time about it. In fact, unless you are her closest friend in the room, do not mention it. She does not want you to, and she certainly does not want one of those girl-circles to form around her where everyone demands to know immediately what is wrong and who did it and if there is any other way they could be drawing more attention to you at this moment of personal vulnerability. Quit it, guys! The closest friend in the room will check in with her, either with Best Friend Psychic Eyes or a Well-Timed Squeeze or a Sneaky Text, or whatever. Sometimes a lady just needs to leak from her eyes for a bit, and it doesn’t mean anything major is happening internally, or maybe something major is happening in her life but she doesn’t want to talk about it with everyone who happens to be there at this moment. Also, do not gawk. Everyone cries. Literally everyone.

Never Ever Ever Hold it Against a Man that he is Crying

The first time a man I was dating cried in front of me, I briefly wondered if this made him less attractive or masculine, which is obviously ridiculous. If a dude cries in front of you, it is because he feels comfortable throwing aside everything he has been taught about masculinity to be vulnerable with you. And there are few things more attractive than that. Get the poor guy a tissue and carry on as if any female friend or loved one was crying to you.

Anyway, if you need me I will be spending my afternoon watching a clip from the seventh Harry Potter film where all the students bravely and stoically raise their wands to protect what matters to them (SCHOOL!!!) in the face of almost impossible adversity. Cry on, friends.

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