What are Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton Plotting Behind Palace Doors?

Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton are always on their best behaviour. Sure, sometimes they forget to wear stockings, but considering they are constantly being scrutinized—from their toes to their finger tips—they do a pretty good job of making Nana Queen E proud.

But Markle and Middleton weren’t always perfectly poised, picture ready princesses. They were born common folk like us, after all. So when the palace gates close on the paparazzi, what kind of English tea are the royal ladies spilling? What slumber party, soon-to-be-sister-in-law girl gossip goes down when Will and Harry leave the room?

We’ll never know for sure — but we can imagine. In a piece of royal fan fiction for Over the Moon, Michelle Ruiz fantasizes what they’re conspiring inside the Kensington Palace walls. Are they drinking 11am mimosas and imported Pamplemousse La Croix? Are they watching The Crown and comparing Markle’s The Tig to Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop? Is Prince George FaceTiming Blue Ivy Carter in the other room while his mommy, the Duchess of Cambridge, shares juicy deets about Queen Elizabeth’s gossip-reading morning ritual? Are they plotting to take down Kris Jenner and control the world?

Ahhhh a royal fanatic can only dream. See a sneak peak at the fictional short story below, which you can read in full here.

“Just you wait, petal. Just. You. Wait. I know you’re positively besotted at the moment, but once you’re married and they ramp up your ‘royal engagements,’ you’ll be longing for those 17-hour Suits shoots,” Kate huffs, at last letting her impeccable posture melt into the velvet setée. “Never breaking my smize. Always having to say ‘quite’ instead of ‘very.’ And the sensible heels! The bloody sensible heels. Once you join The Firm, you can kiss your comfy flats and your sexy stilettos goodbye, honey.”

Meghan squirms in her seat.

“Luckily, protocol is much less strict for you” Kate continues. “Especially since Harry will be sliding into sixth in line after this little one.” She pats her barely visible bump. “I mean ripped jeans at the Invictus Games? Can you imagine if I’d worn that? QEII would have had my head. And ‘The Husband Shirt’? Subtle.”

“Okay, Mrs. “I-Had-a-Poster-of-Will-on-My-Bedroom-Wall,” Meghan teases back. “What did I hear they used to call you and Pippa back in the day? The Wisteria sisters?”

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