FASHION Magazine

In the penultimate episode we saw the Fangtastic Four and part-fae Sookie kill Marnie, though they were as yet unawares she’s now inhabiting Lafayette. Marcus got his neck snapped by Alcide, who then abjured Debbie (a.k.a were-speak for “never going to see you again”), Andy had sex with a faery, and Jason seemed to make peace with wanting Jessica.

Breakfast With Old Friends
-Sookie is in her PJs pouring coffee for her and Tara and having a flashback to Gran’s dead body on the kitchen floor from season one (in the name of subtle foreshadowing).
-Sookie tells Tara about Marnie channelling Gran at the Moon Goddess Emporium and says that she feels like Gran’s spirit is here hanging around.
-They have an International Delights–worthy chat about growing old together as friends.
-Lafayette and Jesus are having breakfast, but that’s not Lafayette! It’s Marnie in there under those orange track pants and a white satin chinoiserie robe.
-When Jesus realizes it isn’t Lafayette he’s kissing, Marnie stabs him in the hand with a fork.
-Next thing she’s got Jesus taped to what looks to be the ugliest blue plastic chair; we have doubts Lafayette would ever own such a thing.
-Marnie is talking about sacrifice to Jesus and cuts Lafayette with a knife to show she’s serious. She wants Jesus’s magic for herself.
-To stop her from hurting Lafayette, Jesus turns into the brujo with the crazy face, and Marnie stabs him and licks the blood and turns into a brujo herself (but still in LaLa’s body).
-Tara shows up at Lafayette and Jesus’s. She’s wearing disturbingly light denim jeans, a chambray shirt, and a peach tank top. She looks like she should be hanging out in Santa Cruz in the early ’80s.
-Uh oh, the door is ajar. She sees a stabbed Jesus in the chair. Dead. Screams.

The final slow-motion shot last week showed Eric, Pam, Jessica, and King Bill unloading automatic weapons outside of Moon Goddess Emporium, but lots of regular-motion stuff happened too: Eric got his memory back, Sookie told restored Eric she was in love with him and Bill, Terry gave Andy an intervention, and Sam is bent on avenging Tommy’s death with Alcide in tow.

Witch Blade
-The Fangtastic Four show up for a blowup: Pam wants to get this blowing up Witch HQ over with; she’s got a mani-pedi at 4 (a.m. we’re guessing).
-Antonia taunts her prisoners, and stabs the one with the arm warmers—we’re not fans of that look either.
-Sookie gives Antonia a look of “you monster” (so judgey, Sookie), but it looks like Antonia has no remorse.
-But! Marnie pukes Antonia out, which Lafayette relays to Tara, Jesus, and Sookie; Antonia accuses Marnie of becoming evil; she wants to leave but Marnie bonds Antonia to her and swallows her up again. Sounds like Marnie’s in charge now.
-Jesus: We’re fucked.
-As the Fangtastic Four lift their grenade launchers outside, Jason intervenes: Stop! Sookie’s in there.
-The vamps curse Sookie for intervening, which gets Jason riled up. How could Bill and Eric act so ungrateful after all she’s done for them?
-Bill and Eric concede to abort, which pisses Pam off and she delivers a typical Pam analogy to Sookie that we’re too shy to repeat.
-Jason shows them the force field, and as they regroup Jessica and Jason have some back and forth about their one-night stand—he’s still feeling guilty.
-Antonia sends her vamp slaves out to sic the team.

Last week, Jessica and Hoyt called it quits and Jason and Jessica got it on, Tommy took a beating for Sam, and the Festival of Tolerance was being ruined by a royal assassination attempt by an Antonia-controlled Eric.

Where’s my giftbag?
-The festival fray is still in full havoc as Antonia orders her vamp slaves to kill the King and Sookie makes her way to the stage to prevent Eric from killing Bill.
-There’s some back and forth as both Bill and Eric trade off on who gets the upper hand, while Nan Flan does damage control/kills stray bewitched vamps.
-Before Eric can kill Bill, Sookie uses her fairy powers and zaps him, causing his memories to come flooding back: His living days as a Viking, his first time meeting Sookie, his beef with Russell, and his amnesia days with Sooks.
-Sookie and Eric stare at each other with a mix of uncertainty and emotion, soap opera–style.
-Antonia realizes her spell over Eric is broken and looks sadly at all the hurt festival-goers crying amongst the 1-800-Got-Dentist and Blackberry booths, then splits.
-Bill spares Eric when he realizes he’s his old self and goes to help Nan Flan with damage control.
-Eric and Sookie look meaningfully at each other, again, soap opera–style.

It’s the time of the season for fighting and all hell to break loose: the witches and vamps got into it in the cemetery, with Sookie getting shot and Eric getting captured by Antonia; Hoyt and Jessica broke up; and a Possessed Lafayette kidnapped Mikey.

Hostage Crisis
-Hoyt’s alarm is cock-a-doodling, and the house is a mess of empty Budweiser tall boys and half-empty whisky bottles.
-After discovering a Taylor Swift CD he packs up Jessica’s stuff (including a copy of Twilight, natch) and puts it in a box marked “For you, Monster.” We love that Hoyt calls names like a kindergartner.
-Possessed Lafayette enters with Mikey and forces Hoyt out at gunpoint, saying it’s his house.
-Arlene (whose camo track pants thankfully survived the fire) is crying to Officer Jason about Mikey’s abduction. Terry is going off the deep end and Andy needs him some V when Hoyt calls Jason with news.
-Andy and Jason show up at Hoyt’s, and when they confront Possessed Lafayette he shoots at Andy.
-Jesus arrives on the scene and explains to the spirit she’s dead and that’s not her baby; she doesn’t believe him until she discovers she has a penis. Awkward.
-They burn some sage (and Jesus drinks a shot of Hoyt’s leftover booze) and flashback to the spirit Mavis’s demise at the hands of her lover.
-Possessed Lafayette gives back the baby and asks for forgiveness; Terry says it’s no problem, and these crazy things happen. Terry might wear yellow aviators, but he’s still capable of seeing nut-job antics through rose-coloured glasses.
– Hoyt digs up the remains of Mavis and her baby in his backyard for Possessed Lafayette to cuddle.
-Jesus chants and Lafayette turns golden and light shoots from him like the video for The Jacksons‘ “Can You Feel It”—we can’t believe it doesn’t start playing as everyone watches agape as Mavis exits Lafayette’s body.
-She says goodbye and thanks, and Lala’s like, “You got it, bitch.” Oh, Lafayette.

Last week, the sight of Eric and Sookie christening every room of the house may have scarred our memory, but other stuff happened too: Lafayette is a medium, Tommy is a skin walker who can shift into people, and Bill and his vamps took a self-imposed silvering to try to beat Antonia at her game of unhide-and-go-seek-the-sun.

Stackhouse Tackle
– Jessica, under Antonia’s spell, opens the door to meet the sun only to get tackled by tight end (not sure if that was his football position; we’re mostly alluding to his butt) Jason who rushes in Superman-style, hair blowing in slow motion. He wraps her in a carpet and shuts the door faster than you can say “touchdown.”
-She’s no football, and so she’s quickly on top of him and about to bite when Antonia and her rag-tag witches stop chanting.
-Jess is slightly singed but grateful Jason saved her and a thank you make-out ensues as Bill shouts her name from below.
-Jason carries her to bed like a groom with a bride (we doubt she’s too weak to walk, but we wouldn’t turn that down either) and re-chains her—they don’t know when Antonia will start chanting again.
-Oh, and that gunshot from last week? That was Jason shooting a guard in the shoulder, but all is forgiven.

Well, last week the sexual tension finally got some relief with a spared-from-staking Eric reunited in a patch of moonlight to get it on with Sookie. That’s about the only good thing that happened, with Jesus almost dying from a Grandpa-inflicted snake bite, Tommy having sex with Sam’s girl Luna while shifted into a Sam clone, and Antonia getting full control of Marnie’s body. Looks like there’s trouble ahead, so let’s just hope they give us a bit more Sookie and Eric before the inevitable chaos.

Kill Bill
-Bill’s guard, sometime-lover, and witch-undercover Katerina gets killed by an under-Antonia’s-control Sheriff Luis.
-Marnie/Antonia (let’s just call her Antonia here on in; bad tabloid names like Martonia or Antarnienia, are so ’00s) escapes from King Bill’s while Luis goes and shoots him full of silver before self-staking.
-Not to worry, this isn’t a Who Shot J.R.? Situation. Bill fully survives, and now he knows what Antonia is up to.
-Bill has Jessica over to tell her about Antonia and her powers—do we really need Jessica asking dumb questions to explain to us what’s going on? Is this a mid-season catch-up for those who haven’t been watching? Boring.
-Bill instructs his remaining sheriffs to silver themselves and tell all others to flee the state. (Hmmm, why just this state? Does she only hate Louisiana vamps?) They question his orders. (Ugg, are they really that dumb?) Also, why isn’t he calling Nan Flanagan? Doesn’t he tell her like, everything? Maybe they speed-texted.

We’re at the halfway mark and the machinations of our friends in Bon Temps are coming to a head. Last week we got our first kiss between Eric and Sookie, we learned about the necromancer’s Spanish roots, and we saw Jesus and Lafayette check in at Creepy Grandpa’s B&B in Mexico.

Stopped at Second Base
-Sookie and Eric move things from the porch to the couch. She’s down to her skivvies; a little white cotton-and-lace thong and a matching bra (with a little padding, uh huh)—very virginal, and considering Eric’s amnesia it is kind of his first time at this.
-Bill barges in like a dad in a bad teen comedy, and Eric is about to stake him with the fire poker when Sookie tells him he’s his king.
-Bill locks up a now-subservient Eric, but there’s no way Sookie’s leaving without her new love interest. She and Bill fight—Sookie pokes holes in all of his excuses as to why he arrested Eric—until Bill has her escorted off the property while he makes a sad face.
-Down in the modern dungeon, Eric smells death—no, no, it’s just Pam hiding under a blanket, crying and rotting. She tries to get him to snap out of his passivity by explaining that Bill’s a dork and Eric is a Viking vampire god, but he’s done with being evil Eric, even if that means death.
-Bill Skypes with Nan—who looks very mother-of-the-bride in a silvery satin jacket and single-strand pearls. He informs her that he has the necromancer witch and Eric in his custody.
-Bill’s recommendation: The true death for an infected Eric.

The last we saw of Sook and the gang, Pam had just been given a case of The Rots from Marnie, Sookie had fended off Bill’s desire to search her house for Eric, and Jason had been given wrist-to-mouth by Jessica.

Family Ties
-Last week, Joe Lee cut short Tommy’s mama-son bonding session by wrapping a chain around his neck, and now we pick up with him viciously beating Tommy until he passes out—or pretends to.
-Tommy’s trick works, but by the time the dust settles he’s murdered Joe Lee and accidently given his furious mama a hard enough whack to kill her.
-He goes crying to Sam, and the two take off with the bodies in the back of the kind of van your parents always warned you to avoid.
-The pedo van raises Sheriff Bellefleur’s V-enhanced suspicions, and he pulls Sam over and demands to see what’s in the back. He gets a surprise when an alligator (aka a quick-thinking shifted Tommy) snaps out at him and he lets Sam go. Tommy, proudly: “I didn’t kill him.” Sam, dryly: “And Jesus wept.”
-They ditch the bodies in the swamp and have a heart-to-heart: Sam assures Tommy he isn’t going to hell, and admits he’s killed before too. Brothers who sink bodies together stay together—let’s hope, since they’re all each other has now.

Last week on The Young and the Undead: blank-slate Eric drained Claudine in Sook’s front yard; the three musketeers of Tara, Jesus and Lafayette had been given an ultimatum by Pam to bring her Marnie to reverse the spell she’d put on Eric or they’d have her fangs to contend with; and a festering-wound addled Jason was getting gang raped on a dirty cot by the baby-challenged lady-panthers of Hot Shot.

The After Party
– We hit the ground running from the last episode, with Sookie’s mouth hanging open over Eric killing her faery godmother Claudine.
– Eric passes out woozy like Long Duck Dong in Sixteen Candles, before stumbling over to Sookie, punch-drunk on faerie blood, he wants some more. She freaks and he professes he’d never harm her (aww).
– We’re sure this is a first for Sookie, but probably a pretty common occurrence for most Bon Temps ladies: Work a full day, find your man in his sweats drunk and acting a fool in the front yard.
– Sookie orders Eric to get in the house, but first he pinches her butt playfully and wants her to chase him. She’s not amused, but we are. He doesn’t care that it’s almost dawn and runs off into the woods.

When we left Bon Temps last week, Sookie was having an awkward chat about her faerie body odor with a disoriented Eric. The Viking Vamp had just had a spell cast on him by Marnie, the witch he’d tried to drain to put a stop to her designs on dead-raising—not something the undead want people getting control over. Jason was tied to a bed in Hot Shot getting each of his 12 perfectly defined abs bitten by Crystal and Felton.

Dazed and Confused?
-Sookie, confused about Eric’s state, tries to talk sense into him and then drives off just to do the classic horror-movie pause and look back. Of course he’s right there at her window and pounces on her neck. Logic takes a vacation, and she runs into the forest.
-Sookie punches Eric to get his attention, and he calls her Snooki. What? Well, she does love to tan.
-He does know what he is (a vampire) just not who he is (a pompous babe).
-Sookie agrees to help him out of his oblivion and gives him ground rules for going back to her/his place—no touching, no biting. We seriously resent her for not including, “Never put a shirt on ever again.”
-She calls Pam, who is sucking on a grown up Val from our favourite tween movie, Brink!, while still wearing the one-shouldered disco ball from last week, and she rushes over faster than a speeding bullet (of lipstick).

When we left off last week, we’d been quickly caught up on what had been happening in Bon Temps while Sookie took her Fae sabbatical. Now that the fairy dust has settled, we start to see what this season will be about: Jason’s new animal urges, Eric and Sookie playing house, and a woo-ooh, witchy woman, who’s got the moon in her eyes.

Somebody’s Baby Tonight
-Eric and Sookie continue their not-yet-lovers quarrel about Eric’s landlord status—he asks nicely for her to be his so he can protect her, but she’s not biting and neither is he for now.
-Sookie heads to Bill’s to appeal to him for help and learns about his new royal rank from his guards.
-She interrupts Bill and Katerina, the sexed up spy-witch, finishing up from some post debriefing de-briefing. By this we mean that they were doing the deed, which makes it the second between-the-sheets scene for the season. Check!
-Bill is kind of noncommittal about helping Sookie and basically tells her to move on and move out. Out with the henleys, in with the ‘tude?

Sookie’s guide to what to wear to ask your ex for a favour
A chambray dress and mustard yellow cardie say: “I don’t want to seduce you, but you better still think I’m cute.” ($177, shopbop.com)

Welcome to the first of our True Blood recaps. Each week we’ll be checking in on our favourite telepathic barmaid, and the hot vampires, werewolves, shifters, faeries, and backwoods miscreants that make up her little corner of Louisiana. Important fashion lessons and questions will be explored from what spring collections will the fae be snapping up to how many low-cut tank top and leather-jacket combos can one Viking own?

Where we left off last season:
-After Eric—who should really launch his own cement effect hair product—reveals Bill’s betrayal to Sookie, she tells them both to drop dead-er.
-After a good cry in the cemetery in a demure blue sundress (very Christopher Kane Spring 2010, don’t you think?) Sookie followed Claudine—who’s always in her uniform blush-toned gown and romantic tendrils—into the faerie light.
-Bill, on a mission to keep Sookie safe, puts on his best Eric Northman leather perfecto to have a Crouching Tiger fight to the death with the Queen of Louisiana (the always stunningly-wardrobed Evan Rachel Wood)—we hope that her feathered cap and Victorian mourning suit survive, at the very least.